The Wolf

Summer before the freshman year of high school: I don’t make the highschool soccer team. I start sobbing the moment I find out, and when I get home I immediately head to the basement where I sit in the dark for almost a week. When I emerge from the basement, I am not the same person. A part of me never left the basement.

Summer before sophomore year: Again I don’t make the high school soccer team. Except this time I put in a lot more work, over 3 hours every single day. And I still don’t make it. Again I’m sobbing. Except this time I hate myself even more. And I’ve lost my optimism. Apparently I’m so screwed up that hard work can’t even make me succeed. 

November of my freshman year in college: 

1.Trump is elected. The amount of people who are scared to live in America is astounding, and I am one of them. I cry more in one week than I ever have before. I’m looking at colleges in Canada. I no longer feel a connection here.

2. One of my close friends tells me that if I keep getting offended by things(such as sexism, racism, and ableism) people will only think of me as a complainer and won’t like me. And I realize I can’t be friends with her anymore. Other previous subtle bigotry comes back to me. I don’t know how to end this friendship without hurting another mutual friend in the process.

3. Two of my friends like me romantically. They keep persuing me even though I’ve mentioned before that I was only interested in platonic friendship with them. Now I have to hurt them by telling them I don’t like them. Why would they put me in this position?

4. I missed registration for my honors college classes meaning that instead of taking classes that excited me, I’m stuck with classes I’m ambiguous about. Which wouldn’t sound too bad, except that I’m already burned out from never doing things that interest me anymore.

5. I missed peer tutoring by oversleeping and made somebody wait an hour for me. Plus my Calculus test is on Tuesday.

6. Two of my friends just dropped out of school, one which completely blindsided me.

7. I had to cancel my Counseling appointment to make up a lab. Little did I know, this would be the week I would need it the most.

8. I have so much homework, one being calc homework that last time took me 20 hours to finish half of it. 

9. I am performing a show as part of my honors college. Participation is mandatory and it takes at least 6 hours out of each day. How am I supposed to do my homework?

10. I play an elderly person in the production, and the elderly makeup makes me feel so bad about myself. I look in the mirror and I see everything I hate about myself. My facial structure has changed since I got to college, and I gained 10 pounds even though there have been too many days when I’ve only eaten 1 meal that day. I’m out of shape, and even walking hurts.

11. I’m not sleeping. How could I ever sleep again?

12. My asthma is acting up.

Things that have gone right this week:

1. I don’t have to take Calc 2. I almost cried from relief.

2. I get to take biology next trimester.

3. I drew something I’m proud of, even though it’s just a sketch.

4. I finished my mural for the Diwali festival. It turned out great, and I’m immensely grateful for the opportunity, especially considering I’m not an art major.

5. I accidently missed Wednesday peer tutoring, but my peer tutor was sick, so she cancelled which I only saw in retrospect.

6. I got to talk to my best friend who I’ve talked to once in the past two years.

7. Because my friend dropped out, I get to see him over Thanksgiving break..

Despite the good things that have happened:

This is one of the worst three weeks of my life. I’m scared and numb. There have been parts where I’ve barely been responsive. I’ve been crying so often. I can’t stand to be around most of my friends. I’m so depressed I can’t even function. And I think there is a good chance that I have bipolar disorder. How am I going to get everything done when I can’t even spend an hour with other people before shutting down? And I can’t spend 5 minutes with most people before THEY shut ME down. I don’t know if I can do this, but I don’t know how to quit either. I can’t imagine taking a semester off, but I don’t know how much more I can take.