Depression and Awards Banquets

It’s the stupidest thing, but then again it always is. This time it’s an awards banquet that has you down. Words come out of the coaches’ mouths, and you know they aren’t about you. You have fallen out of favor. You are old news. Suddenly many failures rush to your mind. Your attempt at art. Your diminishing voice due to singing forte at the very bottom of your range daily. You think about not making it to state last year, and you think about not PRing all year. How you’ve never been good enough. You’ve never been top tier. You force tears back through sheer will. This is supposed to be your crescendo. But instead it feels like you’re dwindling away into dust, like you’ll just disappear.
I feel like I’m disappearing. The world is moving all around me, and I’m a ghost. I wonder if it’s possible to be haunted, not by the person you were, but rather by your present self who is standing back and watching your life unfold. I am tired of this world, and I am haunted by the ghost of myself.


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